It doesn't work like that
by Kierany9
Summary: MapleStory, a land of battles, epicness and romance. Of course, the latter doesn't exactly work out right in many occasions. Here, we dive into the concept of love, hate and passion, and learn that not everything always goes to plan...especially in the world of MapleStory where snails are evil and massive slimes live in subway swamps! Oneshot collection.
1. Mihile

Mihile paced around the platform impatiently with his hands behind his back. Any monster that stepped in his way was kicked off.

"What do I say...what do I say..."

Hawkeye, the youngest knight jumped up to the platform Mihile was on. "Hey! What's up bro?"

"..."

"Awww don't do that. C'mon, tell me. Did you miss a meeting? Did you piss of Neinheart? Are you in love?"

That last question made his heart skip a beat.

"Ahhh, who is it? C'mon, tell me!"

Mihile couldn't tell him his true feelings or he would laugh at him and tell the whole of Erev.

"Cygnus? Oz? Cause they're both hot!"

How could Mihile tell Hawkeye that he liked Eckhart. How?

"Look, I have an idea. Just go up to her and tell her you like her?"

"What did you say?"

"Go up and say 'I love you', then maybe ask her out for dinner or something.

Mihile stood there in thought for a moment. "I will!"

"Can I come with you?"

"Hell no!"

* * *

It was near dusk. Everybody had gone to dinner, except for Eckhart. He was a bit antisocial and prefered to get a home delivery of something...like noodles. Mihile approached Eckhart, who was perched on his regular tree.

"Eckhart...I want to talk to you."

"You already are..." he replied.

"Eckhart...I..."

"Hurry up! My noodles are getting cold!"

Mihile couldn't take it much more. "Eckhart...I love you!"

Silence

"Do you love me?" he added.

Eckhart spat out his noodles, which landed just infront of Mihile.

"Is this some kind of joke?"

Mihile remembered Hawkeye's advice. "Do you want to go out to dinner or something?"

Eckhart dropped his box of noodles summoned a giant Shuriken.

"Start running."

"But I..."

"Five...four...three..."

"Eckhart!"

"Two...one..."

Mihile ran away as fast as he could as Eckhart launched the massive Shuriken. It was now ten metres away...five...three...one...

"Now or never..." said Mihile as he grabbed onto a tree and spun around. The shuriken missed him and turned around.

* * *

"What a lovely dinner. Thank you Cygnus." said Oz

"Agreed!" said the other two knights.

"You're all welcome." said Cygnus as she smiled.

"What's that noise?" asked Oz.

"Sounds like a Shuriken" said Irena.

"And Mihile screaming..." added Hawkeye. "Wait...who the hell did he ask out?"

"What?" asked the other three.

Mihile tripped on the noodles and crashed into Cygnus as the Shuriken flew overhead. Mihile blushed as he realized he was lying on top of the empress.

"I'm sorry..." he muttered as he got off the equally embarrassed Cygnus.

"Doesn't matter." she replied, brushing off the grass on her dress.

"Woo! Go Mihile!" yelled Hawkeye.

"Muahaha! All's well ends well!" said Eckhart in a quiet tone so no-one else understood what he had said.

"That was kinda cute." said Oz.

"So...what happened back there Eckhart?" asked Irena. Eckhart fell off the tree.

"You do NOT want to know..."

* * *

**Just a quick A/N, hope you enjoyed chapter 1 and would love reviews. Before I get a flame barrage, I have nothing against homosexuals, but I do have something against authors who write about them like 'fap material'. Same goes for any sexuality. I also dislike unrealistic fanfic, hence the title 'It doesn't work like that'.**


	2. Phantom

**After prior incidents, Mihile has developed feelings for Cygnus, forgetting about Eckhart. But what happens when Phantom the hero arrives on the scene? Read on to find out. Rating upped to T for obvious reasons.  
**

**And everyone, thanks A LOT for the reviews. It means a lot to me.  
**

* * *

"Phantom! I swear I shall be back for revenge! Besides, the Maple World is already in _his_ hands!"

"Put your money where your mouth is, Hilla!"

With that, Hilla and her skeleton army disappeared in a cloud of smoke from the Erev meeting 'hall', which looked more like a coliseum. Everybody cheered Phantom as he walked towards the worried empress.

"I prefer a woman with a smile on her face." he said. Cygnus smiled at that remark. Phantom then disappeared in a cloud of cards. Everybody cheered even more. Except for one person: Mihile.

* * *

It was dinner time. Mihile sat at his computer. He put 'Phantom' in Google. All he could find was what he knew: Phantom was a master thief who joined forces with the heroes for unknown reasons. He had a private airship and spoke french.

"Hmmm. Aha! I know."

"Www dot Blackwings dot com!" he said, typing what he said into the address bar. A video of the Black Mage showed up.

"Muahaha! Welcome to my evil website! It contains instructions on how to join us, vast databases and games like 'Kill the Cygnus Knights' or 'Resistance Buster'. We also have a highly active discussion forum."

Mihile clicked the database, but he could not find anything about Phantom. So he went to the forums and found an active discussion titled 'Where's Phantom?'

**Orchid:** Has anyone seen Phantom lately. I heard he's awake from the curse and I have to kill him!  
**Hilla:** Yeah, he foiled my plans just as I was going to take over Erev. Stupid thief...  
**Von Leon:** He's probably resting in his stupid airship.  
**Orchid:** Does anyone know it's flight path?  
**Von Leon:** It can't be too far from Erev.  
**Arkarium:** I see it! It's heading towards Chryse! It should take about half an hour. He's going real slow.  
**Orchid:** Sweet! It's busting time.

Mihile smiled. The last post was made two minutes ago. He ran out of his house in Erev and headed towards the station to Orbis. The flight would take 8 minutes. Two minutes to get to the old man in Orbis and another two to get to Chryse. That would mean he had 15 minutes to spare.

* * *

Orchid grinned as she ran toward the old man who would give her wings and take her to Chryse. She arrived there and flew up as quickly as possible. She then crashed into a man.

"Who the heck are you?"

"I see...you are Mihile, commander of Dawn Warriors. I am Orchid, general of Black Wings."

"Not the whore..."

"Jeez, I don't go around molesting people. I don't see why some writers portray us as love-hungry creeps. Just because we're evil women doesn't mean we're not POWER HUNGRY! GET IT?"

"Ahhh. Ok. What about your evil sister, Lotus?"

"She has it worse than I do. And I pity you for being considered gay in so many stories when you're not. I mean, nobody deserves to be used as 'fap material'."

"Yeah...thanks."

"You're welco...hey! You've been stalling me! Now I'll kill you!"

Mihile drew his sword, but was blasted to the back of a wall. Orchid then cast a ray of magic that further impaled him into the brick. Mihile realized he was no match for the evil general. She prepared a finishing blow when a storm of cards blew her away. A man in a bathrobe took Mihile's hand and they both disappeared in a storm of cards.

* * *

**Phantom's Airship:**

"What's your problem Mihile?"

"You. I mean, jeez. Could anyone be more of a dopey flirt. And you always hide."

"Hey, I like Cygnus. And besides, Aria died."

"Wait...when one empress dies you try hit another? You are a pervert. And why did you try and steal the Skaia anyway. It's a common gem."

"That's just a myth."

"Then what did you want to steal, if it isn't an empire or a jewel?"

Just then, a door opened. A woman in a bathrobe was there.

"What's taking so long Monsieur Phantom? We're getting tired of waiting for you...". She said the last part whist stroking him.

"Wait...what is this?" asked Mihile.

"Read the sign." replied Phantom.

The sign read: Phantom's Brothel.

Mihile facepalmed. "Take me back to Erev."

"Sure thing Mihile." said Phantom as they both disappeared in a cloud of cards.

Mihile reappeared, yet Phantom was nowhere to be seen. He looked at his surroundings. He was in a bedroom...yet it wasn't his. Suddenly a shout was heard from behind. Mihile turned around. Eckhart had just walked out of the shower.

"CURSE YOU PHANTOM!"

* * *

**Hope you all enjoyed this chapter starring Phantom. Reviews appreciated.**


	3. Mercedes

**Hey people, just a quick couple of review replys before we begin.**

**Deathly Betrayal: The reason why that is bad luck is because Eckhart carries a Shuriken pouch at all times and has the ability to summon Avenger, even when walking out of a shower. He will also beat the crap out of anyone who is in his house :3  
**

**Wild Orion: Agreed.  
**

* * *

**Random El-Nath hotel  
1:00 A.M.**

"Mercedes..."

"Evan..."

The two sat on the bed, holding hands. She then hugged him and he kissed her. She returned the kiss and soon they were locked in a passionate embrace. The door was bust down, but the now-topless couple didn't notice.

"Hey!" a voice yelled, as Mercedes felt her hands pushed behind her back.

"What the?" she screamed as she felt handcuffs. "Aran?"

Aran, in a cop outfit that actually suited him, pulled the handcuffs and Mercedes was pulled from the bed.

"Miss Mercedes. Your ID please."

"This is no time for jokes Aran!" she yelled.

"Evan, your ID too!"

Evan gave Aran his ID card. So did Mercedes, barely doing it while handcuffed.

"Mercedes, I'll have to arrest you on charges of paedophilia.

"What!" she exclaimed.

"Well according to this, you are 40, not including ice time." said the cop. "And Evan?"

"Thirteen sir." he said.

"You should be educated about this stuff."

Mercedes continued in her fit of rage. "I'm a queen! You can't arrest me! You aren't even a real cop."

"I just want my traveling partners to have dignity. I'll turn you in tomorrow."

"Nobody has dignity here! Look at Phantom."

Aran stuck his head out into the corridor and peeked in Phantom's room. He was in bed...with everybody from the brothel.

"Ok, maybe not Phantom, but Evan does."

Evan put down his playboy magazine. "Hmm...what?"

Aran facepalmed. "You're right... Why is everyone here such a dirty creep?"

Aran walked into the hall and saw a familiar figure.

"Hello Aran. Long time no see."

He wore white robes that matched his silvery hair. He suffered from heterochromia, therefore he had a red eye and a blue eye.

"Hey everybody, Luminous is here!" said Aran.

Everybody walked out. Phantom had nothing but a bathrobe with a suspicious looking stain on it. Mercedes came out handcuffed with no top. Mir, Evan's dragon, came out rubbing its eyes. Evan came out...you don't want to know.

"Erm...nice to see you?" questioned Luminous as he stared at the oddball gang. A woman popped out of Phantom's room. Once she saw the situation, she slowly walked back in, trying not to gain attention. Aran facepalmed. Evan looked around innocently. Mercedes blushed. Phantom looked indifferent. Luminous looked very VERY disturbed. Mir scratched its head.

* * *

Miss Mycellium was overly joyed. It was her first day working at the hotel and she decided to get some shut-eye. She had evening and night duty. All she did during the night was play an online game called 'Resistance Buster'. This was going perfectly. Nothing had gone wrong. If it went like this every day, then that would be lovely! As she nodded off, she heard some noises from upstairs. She wondered what was going on and ran upstairs. There was a blonde in a bathtowel, a mage, a policeman, a nude elf, a suspicious boy with only some underpants on and a dragon. Miss Mycellium fainted.

"Why me..." muttered Aran and Luminous as they simultaneously facepalmed.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter starring the five heroes... Epic fail for all five of them.**


	4. Vladimir

**A fanfic inside a fanfic? This is gonna get confusing. Especially with Oz going nuts over it. Also, Demon Slayer shall be known as Vladimir.  
**

* * *

**Official Black Wings forums:**

**Orhcid:** Has anyone seen Vladimir lately?  
**Hilla:** Nobody has since that meeting a hundred years ago. Does anyone know why he betrayed us anyway?  
**Von Leon:** Stupid guy cared too much for his 'family'.  
**Arkarium:** Didn't you join because your wife was killed by the Cygnus Knights?  
**Hilla:** Owned noob.  
**Von Leon:** Stfu bitch. You joined for eternal beauty. Some reason that is.  
**Orchid:** Is this going to be another flame war or will I get some info?

Vladimir the 'Demon Slayer' looked at the computer screen. Some flame war. He logged in with a secret account known as BlackMageRulez456. Maybe he could trick Orchid and set a trap.

**Hilla:** You wouldn't understand. After all, you are just a lion.**  
Von Leon:** Take that back you ugly witch.**  
Arkarium:** This is going to be a big flame war...  
**BlackMageRulez456:** Hey! I saw this guy with purple skin, demon markings and wings walk down an alley in Edelstein, behind the mayor's house.  
**Von Leon:** Who are you anyway?  
**Hilla:** Yeah. You seem suspicious.  
**Orchid: **Bye! I got a demon to kill!  
**Arkarium:** It's a trap!

Vladimir stared at the screen and laughed. Orchid was already offline. He spread his wings and flew out into the street. He quickly landed behind the mayor's house and waited inside a tree. Within minutes, a woman in a black wings outfit, with blond hair in a ponytail walked down. Vladimir held out his mace, but then decided against it. There was something charming about her. So he leaped out of the tree and pinned Orchid down and raised his mace.

"Vladimir!" she said. "Get off me you creep!"

Vladimir did nothing. "Nice clothes. It would be a shame if they were to tear." he said, whilst using a spike on his mace to tear off her trousers.

Orchid tried to use her Mana, but was sealed by Vladimir.

"What do you want?" asked Orchid.

Vladimir took his own trousers off.

"Oh no..."

* * *

Oz let out a fangirl scream. Irena ran over to her.

"What's the awesomeness?" she asked, excited.

Oz closed her laptop. "It's soooo cool!"

"What is it?" asked Irena. Oz slowly opened the laptop. She scrolled down a bit. Irena's eyes widened. They both let out more screams.

"That is soooo hawt!" yelled Irena.

"I know, isn't it? Best. Story. Ever." replied Oz.

"That smut was AWESOME!"

"And Vladmir seducing Orchid...AWESOME!"

"Oh oh oh, and the vampire bite thingy...EPIC!"

"I'm adding it to my favourites now!"

* * *

**Black Mage's private office:**

"OH MY GOD SOMEONE FAVED MY STORY! I AM SO EPICLY EVIL!"

* * *

Hawkeye jumped down from a tree. "Looking at all the girly romances again?" he asked.

Oz turned around. "You would loooooove this!"

She scrolled up and Hawkeye read the part where Vladimir ambushed Orchid.

"WOW! Hot stuff!" he said. Just then, Eckhart arrived.

"What is all the noise. I am trying to eat my noodles in peace."

Oz showed Echart the story.

"Whist I am not interested in what happened, I do enjoy the stealthiness of Vladimir and how he used ninja tactics like me."

"Wow." said Hawkeye. "That was cheesy."

Neinheart arrived on the scene.

"Just what is this?" he asked.

"Fanfic." said Oz. Neinheart looked confused.

"Huh?"

"Smut."

"I'm not getting you..."

"MA rated story."

"I...just don't get it."

"Epic PWP."

"Still nope."

"Porn for the sake of porn?"

"Ah! Lemme see!"

From the sidelines, Mihile got out his mobile. He punched in 666-666-666. "Yeah? Vladimir? You aren't going to like this one bit..."

* * *

Later that night, when all the Cygnus Knights were in bed, a shadow stalked through Erev. Vladmir the Demon Slayer arrived at one of the houses. He flew in the second-floor window.

"Who's there?" asked Oz, who had woken up and turned the light on. Suddenly, she was pinned down from behind.

"I am Vladimir. Why did you favourite that story?" he asked, holding her hand behind her back.

"The...smut..."

Vladimir pushed the hand down, resulting in a scream from Oz.

"I know the smut. It is humiliating!"

"It was...awesome."

Vladimir let her go. He pondered for a moment.

"You will never like it again...because you will experience it. First person!"

* * *

**Erev: Imperial Dining Hall:**

Everybody looked at their breakfast. There were seven people: the five Cygnus Knights, Neinheart and the empress. Everybody had cereal and milk, except Eckhart, who had noodles and milk. Irena looked guilty. Hawkeye tried to hide looking guilty. Neinheart looked very guilty. Mihile looked as if he had done justice, yet did not want anyone to suffer. Eckhart looked as if he was planning ninja tactics. Oz looked pale and traumatized. Cygnus sat innocently eating her breakfast. After she had finished (she held the world record for the fastest cereal eater) she looked up.

"Why is everybody looking like that?" she asked.

"Ignorance...is bliss." said Mihile, not looking up from his breakfast.

* * *

**Personally, I hate stories about how someone, usually villainous, goes to f*** somebody else, usually good, and they just cut the actual scene out just to get more readers and have a lower rating. And then people react like Oz did. Also, Vladimir is watching you, so beware smut fans.**

**Rant asides, hope you enjoyed and review if you want to.  
**


	5. Hawkeye

**There are a few inside jokes that you may not get if you're unfamiliar with my main story(Warrior Brothers). Check it out :3. Review responses first, story later.**

**X-SystemRestore: I am aware of the purge, but it isn't that effective. Go to the M-Rated section of the MapleStory fandom and see how much stuff there is there.  
**

**theAllAmericanAsian: Glad you like the story. Chances are, I'll update frequently. It takes a spark of inspiration and half an hour to write a chapter. I'll try and update every other day(well, I have been for the past 10 days so...).  
**

* * *

"Phantom...I have an investment that you just can't lose." said Vladimir, sipping his tea.

"Which is?" he asked the demon.

"You see...I want to sell you a few things."

"Pfft. I'm a thief. I can steal whatever."

"Not this."

Vladimir stood up and turned around. They were on the Lumiere, Phantom's private ship/brothel.

"I have some things that might be...attractive...to your clients." said Vladimir.

"Which are?"

* * *

Hawkeye tip-toed out of the main part of Erev towards the airport.

"Destination?" asked the pilot.

"Victoria Island please." said Hawkeye. He got on the ship and the pilot started the ship up. They flew for approximately eight minutes until arriving at Ellinia. Hawkeye gave the pilot 800 meso and ran towards the nearest taxi, which would take him to Kerning City for another 1200 meso. As soon as he got to Kerning, he put on a black fedora, sunglasses and a black robe. He walked around for about ten minutes until he found a building. He walked in. There was one person in line in front of the desk.

"Name?" asked the man behind the desk.

"PunchSour."

"Age?"

"Seventeen."

"You don't look seventeen."

PunchSour showed him an ID card. The man nodded and pointed towards a door. PunchSour gave him a bag of meso. It was pretty big too. Hawkeye walked forward.

"Name?"

"EyeHawk."

"Seriously, there are so many people with inverted names of famous people."

"Tell me about it..."

"Age?"

"Twenty one."

"How much you gonna pay?"

"How much is the new room?"

"The evil one? Fifty thousand for a night, ten thousand for an hour."

Hawkeye left the cash on the desk and walked towards where the man pointed.

* * *

Phantom and Vladimir were having another meeting on the Lumiere.

"I hope you don't mind these zombies. They were dying for a snack." said Vladimir.

"Not at all." said Phantom as he looked away in disgust as one arm fell off.

The three zombies started a conversation.

"Braaaains."

"Pancreaaaaas."

"My my...I do not want any of those but I would love a cucumber sandwich, if you may?"

Phantom facepalmed at the third zombie who wore a monocle and a top-hat and had a handlebar moustache. And it was drinking tea.

"Here you go." said Vladimir as he handed the zombie a cucumber sandwich. "He's a picky eater. He doesn't eat what the other zombies eat."

"So...back on topic?" asked Phantom.

"Yes..."

"Vladimir...I thank you for your demonic cousins. Their sexiness has boosted my profits 400%."

"Nice. Which ones seem to be better, the demon, the vampiress, the sorceress or the succubus?"

"Hmmmm. Probably the sorceress. The succubus keeps on stealing souls and the vampire has bitten too many people already. And besides, the sorceress has some neat spells."

"Huh?"

"Oh so she never showed you those spells?

"No... She IS my cousin..."

"Ha. Forgot about that."

* * *

Hawkeye walked back towards the main chamber in Erev. He scratched the bite marks on his neck. They itched like hell, and the spell cast on his...you-know-what was overdriving.

"Next time I'm getting a normal chick." he muttered.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter. The moral of this is, never date creatures of the night. Especially if Phantom is involved.**


	6. Online Dating

**Why hello there. It is I, Sir Charles Zomboni the third. I shall be replying to many of the reviews left by you great fans from now on.**

**ThanhnuFia: Why yes, I am British. English to be more precise. And so is the creator of this fanfic, even though he left us to live in Spain. Traitor! So please, do not leave any reviews saying that Armour and Colour are spelt without an U, or other grammatical variations.**

* * *

"Jazmin, get off that computer. You're only ten and you need your sleep."

"Ten more minutes? My character PetuniaSin is gonna have a blast!"

"Fine...but I'm coming in there and pulling the plug if you're a second late"

* * *

"Petunia..."

"Hero..."

The two held hands and made out.

"The big day..." muttered Hero as he opened the limo door and let Petunia out.

"Yeah...we're finally getting married." she smiled.

* * *

Now...XxSuperHeroManxX and PetuniaSin will be getting married shortly at the cathedral.

The mage grinned. He grabbed his yellow umbrella, put on his perfectly scrolled talking witch hat and folded up his chair. He hopped off the platform and cast a lightning spell, shocking all six mushrooms in the vicinity. He dashed as fast as he could through the crowded city of Henesys, teleporting when necessary, and entered the park. He saw an amber portal and used it. He arrived next to a fairly

* * *

XxSuperHeroManxX and PetuniaSin were walking down the wedding hall looking their best, Hero in a black tuxedo and a groom hat and Petunia in a white wedding dress.

* * *

The mage felt the fairy warp him. He arrived in an equally crowded place, full of blooming flowers. He teleported over a teenage couple making out and jumped down a ledge, using his umbrella to float down.

"Woo! Go Mary Poppins!" taunted a blond warrior wearing dark 'Master Sergeant' armour as the mage's robes were lifted up by his descent. He rolled his eyes and dropped down, his robes falling back into normal position. He teleported ahead as quickly as possible. Out of nowhere, a sack fell down.

"Sucker!" said a bandit from above. The bag revealed a toy trojan, which was frozen by the mage's Ice Beam. The mage smashed it with his umbrella and it broke into pieces. His umbrella was epic. It was magically powerful and physically powerful too. He could also do the Mary Poppins act. The cathedral was in sight. He dashed and teleported towards his goal.

* * *

"And do you, PetuniaSin, take XxSuperHeroManxX as your lawfully wedded husband?" asked the priest.

"I do." said the beautiful fourth-job assassin.

"Then I pronounce you husband and..."

"STOP THE WEDDING"

Everybody turned to the panting 2nd job Ice/Lightning mage. He could hear whispered insults directed at him, but he ignored them.

"XxSuperHeroManxX! You dirty douche!"

"Wha?" he replied.

"Don't fool me! Were you, or were you not at Phantom's brothel last night?"

"No wa..."

"Stop stalling and tell me the truth!"

"But I..."

"Quiet you! You were with the sluts last night! Weren't you?"

"No! That isn't..."

"And in real life, I bet you're some weird forty-year old trying to lure kids into your lair!"

With that, PetuniaSin stormed off towards the mage. He expected either to be attacked or ignored.

"YOU CREEP! Our relationship is OVER!" she yelled, ripping off her wedding clothes, revealing her normal gear.

The mage chuckled. Another wedding crashed. He loved his job. He would randomly crash weddings and get paid to do so. Boy this was the life. He kinda pitied the poor sap, unless he was the forty-year old he imagined.

* * *

The pope stared at his computer screen. His plans had been foiled. Again!

"I HATE THAT MAGICIAN!"

* * *

**Charles Zomboni here again. I hope you enjoyed this wonderful chapter. Did you spot any Warrior Brothers references? I believe this chapter gives out an excellent lesson. Do not date on the internet unless you are a sad sad 20 to 50 year old trying to get a girlfriend. If you do, you may be seduced and lured into many places you do not want to end up in.**


	7. Luminous

**Charles Zomboni again. The author gives his greatest apologies for being late. He is juggling four stories, a game and two videos. And then a certain author starts making a fuss when he/she has to juggle three stories and can't update. And I thank Shooting Star Rider for taking the time to leave a review. Also, tell the author if you want a chapter starring me...hey! Let go you fiend! What do you mean I can't do that? Help!  
**

**Anyways...on with the story.  
**

* * *

"Hey Luminous." said Mercedes.

"Hi." he replied. "What are the others up to?"

"Not much. There hasn't been any trouble lately."

"Ok..." he said. "I'm hungry. Want some ice cream?"

"Sure."

"What flavour?"

"Chocolate!"

Luminous walked through the crowded markets of Henesys towards the ice cream stand. Once he got there he got a chocolate ice cream in a cone for Mercedes and began to ponder what he would get himself. In the end, he got a choco-vanilla. It was a lot like him, half light, half dark. He walked back to Mercedes with the cones in his hand and gave her the chocolate ice cream. Luminous took a bite of his ice cream. He thought licking it in front of Mercedes would look weird.

"You look kinda cute." she said, pointing at his face. He smiled, until he realized his face was a choco-vanilla mess. "You lick ice creams. Even I know that." she added.

"And you can lick mine." thought Luminous.

"That's not right." he told his dark side.

"It is. If someone goes calling you cute then go for her."

"You're a pervert."

"No you."

"Earth to Luminous, hello? Earth to Luminous." said Mercedes. Luminous blushed. "Are you taking that cute thing seriously?"

"And I'm not the only cute one around."

Before Luminous could wink, he managed to stop his dark side from being a douche.

"I hate you." thought his light side.

"Jealous much?"

Mercedes tilted her head and smiled. "Awww. That's so sweet."

"You're s..."

Inside Luminous' mind, the light and dark side were engaged in a ferocious duel for the body. Outside, Luminous was licking his ice cream like nothing had happened.

Mercedes and Luminous had almost finished their ice creams.

"Well, I think I'd better get going. Phantom is probably tricking Evan to play poker again. Remember last time?" she said.

"Yeah." he replied. Mercedes waved and turned around. Suddenly, something took control of him and touched her butt.

"FUCK YOU!" he screamed out loud at his dark side.

Mercedes turned around, and so did a lot of other people.

"Wow. You're an asshole." she said.

"Wait...I didn't mean it like that!" he yelled.

"Oh sure."

Luminous felt sad. He felt angry. Angry at his dark side. Which let his dark side take control. Luminous ran up to Mercedes, they were both out of the crowded part of Henesys.

"Mercedes..." he said, slowly easing his arm around her.

"Why did you say that to me?" she asked, in a very sad tone.

"I was directing it at someone else. Nobody as pretty as you deserves that treatment."

Light Luminous was struggling to take back control. "Hey! Faggot! Let me out of here"

"Later."

Mercedes blushed. "You think I'm pretty?" she asked.

Luminous then pulled her up to him, earning shock from his light self and Mercedes. "Of course."

"Faggot faggot faggot faggot FAGGOT!"

He then kissed her.

"I seriously need to do something about this." thought light Luminous as he too felt everything his other self did too.

"YOU! YOU CHEATED ON ME! AND YOU, YOU STOLE MY GIRLFRIEND!"

The duo looked to the side and saw an enraged Aran. He spun his polearm around and charged at Luminous who had to use very powerful dark magic to stop the attack.

"Now's my chance..." thought light Luminous. As his body became pure again, he threw away his weapons.

"I apologize. It was not me who did this but the dark inside me. Truce?"

Aran laughed and charged up a Combo Fenrir.

* * *

"You've got to be kidding me!" yelled Aran as he and Evan lost another ten thousand meso to Phantom, master thief, pimp and poker player. Mercedes was watching the game and so was Luminous, whose arms and legs were in casts.

"I hate you all..." he muttered.


	8. Evan

**Once again, Charles Zomboni here. The author has a message for you readers.**

**Just to let everyone know, if you want me to 'Ship' any of the pairings in this story then you have the wrong author. The pairings are only there for the joke. I even went a tad far in one chapter and mocked the entirety of a popular story(Nobody got the reference so far). As for the pairings supplementing the punchline, here's an example. Luminous has a light and dark side(insinuating a split personality) and Mercedes is the only female hero(Aran is a guy. Watch the original trailer). So it was convenient for the joke. And thanks to all of you who enjoy this story.**

**The above statement indirectly replies to both reviews posted since last chapter. The parody lyrics used in this episode are 100% original.**

* * *

Evan ran through the door of the Chief's residence in El Nath. He was sweating and panting heavily.

"Tylus...where are the other Heroes?"

"They went off with the resistance and the job instructors of Victoria Island to help their struggles in Edelstein. And read the sign."

Evan turned around and saw a sign. It said 'Please be quiet at all times'.

"Sorry Tylus."

As soon as Evan was quiet, an equally exhausted Mir charged through the door. Evan signalled Mir to be quiet. Pedro the pirate instructor hopped down.

"Where are the Victorian job instructors?"

Tylus facepalmed.

* * *

Cue the following song: "They're taking the hobbits to Isengard"

* * *

Tylus cleared his throat.

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein!"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein!"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein!"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein!"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein!"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein!"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein-tein-tein-tein!"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein-tein-tein-tein!"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein!"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein!"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein!"

"What did you say?" asked Shamos, who had just climbed up.

"The heroes!"

"The heroes!"

"The heroes!"

"The heroes!"

"To Edelstein!"

"To Edelstein!"

"The heroes!"

"The heroes!"

"The heroes!"

"The heroes!"

"To Edelstein!"

"To Edelstein!"

"The heroes!"

"The heroes!"

"The heroes!"

"The heroes!"

"To Edelstein!"

"To Edelstein!"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein-tein-tein-tein!"

"Tell me, where is Grendel for I much desire to sleep with him." asked Pedro.

"Tell me, where is Grendel for I much desire to sleep with him." he asked again.

"A Balrog of Sleepywood." replied Tylus.

"What did you say?" said Shamos.

"A Balrog of Sleepywood."

"What did you say?"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein!"

"Stupid fat dragon!" cursed Shamos, aiming his insult at Mir.

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein!"

"Stupid fat dragon!"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein!"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein!"

"They're taking the heroes to Edelstein!"

"Stupid fat dragon!"

* * *

Stop the song.

* * *

"What was THAT?" asked Evan as the musical stopped. Mir shrugged and they ran out to Orbis tower and catch up with the other heroes.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed this musical that has nothing to do with romance which is the main theme here.**


	9. Oz

**Charles Zomboni once again. We shall first have the author's response to any recent reviews.**

**Shooting Star Rider: The last Mercedes X Aran is in captivity. The galaxy is at peace. (I just had to do that reference)  
**

**Anyway, now it's time to play some Super Smash Bros Brawl. Unless someone tries to crash the party.  
**

* * *

Cygnus turned on the Wii and put in the disk. Everybody looked excited. Mihile, Hawkeye, Irena, Oz, Eckhart, Cygnus, Neinheart and Vladimir(Who the hell invited him?) stared at the massive TV. Cygnus gave out Wii-motes to everybody. She pointed at the disc channel and clicked with the A button. She then clicked PLAY. A menu appeared and the main theme of Super Smash Bros Brawl started playing. She clicked GROUP and then TOURNAMENT.

"Five life brawl or two minute brawl."

Two wanted 5-life brawl, five wanted 2-minute brawl and Eckhart was indifferent.

"All items?"

A massive YES! was heard.

Everybody took their turns selecting characters. Mihile chose Ike, Hawkeye chose DK, Irena chose Pit, Oz chose Jigglypuff, Eckhart chose Meta-Knight, Cygnus chose princess Peach, Neinheart chose Sonic and Vladimir chose Wolf.

"Round one, Cygnus VS Hawkeye."

The stages would all be the default battlefield, a floating arena with more floating platforms to choose from. The battle started with DK and Peach doing some epic aerial combat. As Peach got blown away, DK started charging his special attack, a powerful punch. As soon as it was ready, he walked over to Peach and punched.

"TOAD SHIELD!" squealed Cygnus.

Hawkeye stared in awe as DK got instantly KO'ed

He then saw a ray gun. As he ran to it, his character got bombarded by vegetables. Peach ran towards DK and tossed him over the edge. DK used his Up-Special to recover, but was smashed on the head by a turnip. Another KO. Hawkeye quickly dashed towards the floating Smash Ball but a message appeared.

TIME UP!

"Since when was Cygnus good at Super Smash Bros?" asked Shinsoo.

"Beginners luck." said Hawkeye.

"Round two, Mihile VS Neinhart"

Mihile tried to fight Neinheart(who had never seen a Wii Remote in his life.) but realized it was much easier to let him walk off the edge as he cluelessly tried to move Sonic around.

TIME UP!

"How did I lose? He kept on walking off the edge!" Neinheart yelled.

"No, that was you." said Hawkeye.

"Oh..."

"Round three, Oz VS Irena."

"You're going down." snarled Irena. Oz shot her an evil glare.

"Right back atchya." she replied, in an equally harsh voice.

Pit spammed his bow attack whilst Jigglypuff tried to avoid it. As soon as Oz got her character onto the floating platform, Irena followed. Oz did a rollout and landed on the floor, allowing her to use the Down-Special. Irena furiously mashed the Wii-mote as Jigglypuff sang and sent Pit to sleep. Oz let out an evil laugh. She grabbed a nearby beam sword and prepared to smash Pit out of the arena. Pit woke up. To a beam sword.

As Irena's character was revived, she quickly used her sword spin to knock Jigglypuff away. It used rollout, but Pit defended with his shield. Irena then saw, and smashed a nearby smash ball.

"Prepare to die Oz!"

Oz snuck a small fireball in the cracks of Irena's Wii remote and threw the Beam sword at Pit, who lost the smash ball.

"Hey! My remote died!" yelled Irena as Jigglypuff used it's Final Smash to obliterate Pit.

TIME UP!

Oz put on an innocent face and started jumping up and down. Irena turned around and gave her the middle finger.

"Round four, Eckhart VS Vladimir."

The match was two minutes of intense button mashing. Both did insane combos and moves that nobody knew were possible. Neither of them had managed to score a KO.

TIME UP! SUDDEN DEATH!

"What's sudden death?" asked Eckhart, who had won every match and had no idea that it was a finishing round with 300% damage each. With that, Vladimir smashed Eckhart out of the arena.

"Loser." said Vladimir.

"Well that's the first part over. Let's continue." said Shinsoo.

"Round five. Cygnus VS Mihile."

The round began with epic aerial action and progressed into a land brawl, with Peach jumping around, throwing turnips everywhere. Ike spammed Eruption to ward off everything. As Peach found a baseball bat, she prepared to smash Ike, but her attack hit Ike's Counter which instantly KO'ed her. The rest of the match was Peach spamming her Toad Shield and Ike spamming counter. As ten seconds remained, Peach grabbed Ike and threw him off the edge, only to be brought down with him with an Aether.

TIME UP!

"Awww..." said Cygnus. "I thought that would work."

"Good game." said Mihile, shaking her hand. She smiled at that.

"Round six, Oz VS Vladimir."

Suddenly, the ground underneath Vladimir turned into magma and a giant colossus appeared.

Oz's voice was sinister, yet slightly frightened. "Vladimir, I will make you pay for what you did to me back then! Ifrit, attack!"

Vladimir dropped his Wii-mote and barely avoided a fiery fist of rock. He tried to unleash his Grim Scythe on it, but Oz had kicked him into the air and turned into a fiery comet, smashing repeatedly into Vladimir, before kicking him into the ground. The demon tried to get out of the small crater he had created, but was smashed by Ifrit. Oz was standing on top of it and let out a noise that sounded like.

"WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIII!"

Vladimir teleported behind Oz and kicked her, sending her flying. He then flew towards her and smashed her into the floor. Oz spat into Vladimir's face and Ifrit stomped him.

"Better than Smash Bros." said Hawkeye, eating popcorn.

The hatred on Oz's face was incredible. She punched the floor and massive balls of fiery rock erupted under Vladimir's feet. The demon summoned a massive hand, that sent dark energy concentrated at her. The blast had tattered her clothes, but she was beyond caring. Vladimir absorbed dark energy whilst Oz charged a ball of blue fire. Vladimir launched his sphere of energy, which was instantly blown up by Oz's fiery Kamehameha-like beam. Vladimir was engulfed by the attack and collapsed onto the ground.

"That's what you get for fucking me." snarled Oz.

"He what what?" said Hawkeye.

On the TV screen, it said:

TIME UP! SUDDEN DEATH!

Oz grabbed the Wii-mote and grabbed Wolf with her character and proceeded to beat him up before smashing him to the ground.

"Intense..." said Mihile.

"Final Round, Mihile VS Oz."

Oz tried to put her cute face back on but failed to do so. Mihile acted like the past battle had never happened. The battle started off with Ike scoring three KO's but as Oz became more focused, she too managed to score in multiple hits. The battle was mainly on land but there were many aerial combos and chain attacks. Drawing near the end of the battle, a smash ball appeared. Both Ike and Jigglypuff ran towards it. Ike got it and used Great Aether, knocking his enemy high into the sky and unleashing a barrage of slashes. Ike prepared to finish the attack when...

TIME UP! SUDDEN DEATH!

The two characters dashed towards each other and smashed each other out of the arena at exactly the same moment.

TIE!

"Good game." said Oz, now in cute-face mode.

"Same to you." replied Mihile.

"Hey Mihile, can we talk?"

"Sure."

Cygnus, Neinheart and Shinsoo looked at the couple as they walked off. Cygnus smiled.

"You really wanted to bring us all closer together. You did a good job Cygnus." said Neinheart. "Even the ones who would fight in this situation like Vlad and Hawkeye are getting on well."

As luck would have it, the other four players were sitting and chatting about how much more butt they could of kicked(Except Vlad. He was unconscious).

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Meanwhile in Edelstein...

"You hacker! That wasn't fair!" said Luminous, whose dark side had emerged after Evan had beat him yet again on Super Smash Bros Brawl.

"Me? You're the one abusing Meta-Knight. And Phantom is the one hacking!"

"Oh shut up you little kid. Even Mercedes can see, it was Aran."

"I'm not even playing the stupid game. How could I hack it?"

"Liar!"

"Faggot!"

"Asshole!"

Luminous unleashed a lightning bolt on Aran, who countered by smashing him, but missed and hit the Wii. Phantom, who paid for it, sent out a barrage of cards at Aran, some of which crashed straight into Mir. Evan swore and sent out barraged of fire and ice at everyone.

"Why can't we do anything fun at all?" asked Mercedes as she slouched into a corner.

* * *

**Holy mackerel was that a long chapter. Until next time**


	10. Finale

**Charles Zomboni here. The author apologizes for not updating in ages. However, he states that the previous chapter was supposed to be the finale, but he thinks the story is incomplete. So here is another rushed chapter that is there to please the reviewers who never shut up about pairings...HEY!**

**Please note Charles Zomboni's opinions do not represent those of the author.**

* * *

**Two weeks after the last reunion.**

A large group walked into Black Wing's Amazing Outer-Space Theme Park. The group was composed of eleven people: Aran, Evan, Mercedes, Phantom, Luminous, Mihile, Oz, Hawkeye, Irena, Eckhart and Vladimir. Suddenly, the PA announcement went off.

_"Welcome to this amazing theme park. No foiling of evil plots, schemes or plans is allowed. Foiling is strictly prohibited."_

Hawkeye laughed. "Well look what's going on here."

"Evil plots again!" said Mihile preparing his sword. "Let's split up. Aran, Evan and Phantom, take the Kiddie Zone. Luminous and Mercedes can take the Ferris Wheel. Hawkeye and Eckhart, go and take the Asteroid Area. Vladimir and Irena can check out the haunted house. Oz and I will go to the aquarium."

"Seems like a good idea." said Aran. "Except HE is with Mercedes while I'm stuck with a little kid and a dirty douche."

By the time he said that, everybody was running towards their respective areas. Mir grabbed Aran and dragged him towards the kiddie zone.

**Asteroid Area...**

Hawkeye and Eckhart stealthily jumped from asteroid to asteroid, trying not to fall into the empty vacuum of space. Suddenly, a rollercoaster appeared. With nowhere else to jump, the two landed in the rollercoaster. The PA began blaring as the two barely avoided being smashed by a floating space rock.

_"May the owner of a red Cygnus hovercraft with license plate R523U0 please come to your car. It is about to be smashed by an asteroid. Oh, wait...never mind."_

"Oz is going to be pissed." said Hawkeye as he saw the ruined car pushed away from the parking lot by a huge rock.

**Aquarium...**

"Shit."yelled Oz as she heard the PA announcement. She then punched the glass tube she was in.

_"Please do not break the glass, as it is the only thing between you and 10 billion gallons of wet, freezing death."_

"Double shit."

**Haunted House...**

A fake ghost popped out the wall. Vladimir's instincts told him to attack. And he did. Magical fingers appeared and smashed everything that moved, except Irena. Smoke covered the area. The PA announcer went off.

_"Remember, the most important thing at our amusement park is your safety."_

Just then a chandelier crushed Irena in the floorboard.

"Nope..." she said.

**Ferris Wheel...**

"Oh, Luminous. That's good."

The rest is censored for your benefit.

_"Please do not leave your waste in the ride. Our men work hard you know!"_

**Kiddie Zone...**

"Evan, get off the dodgems."

"Evan, get off the claw game."

"Evan, get out of the ball pit."

"Evan, get out of the candy store."

"Evan, get away from the bad guys. Or kill them."

_"Please do not taunt Black Wing's robots. They are very sensitive and take a long time to recover from your harsh treatment."_

"Is anyone getting tired of that announcer?" asked Phantom.

"Yes!" said Aran and Evan in unison. The three destroyed all the loudspeakers in the vicinity.

* * *

The entire group was back in the main plaza.

_"Please do not pull the tape connecting parts of the place. It may look and feel like duct tape but it is...uh...space tape! Highly advanced stuff that is."_

By then, everybody was ignoring the PA.

"Did anybody find anything?" asked Vladimir. Mixtures of 'sort of', 'kinda' and 'no' were heard.

"Why did we go around looking for stuff when we could simply pull the duct tape joining the park and the elevator connecting it to the planet." asked Eckhart.

_"SPACE TAPE!"_

"Whatever." he said, summoning Avenger, his giant ninja star, and launched it at the duct tape. The eleven people made a mad dash and jumped off the park and onto the space elevator. Suddenly, the space elevator began to topple and the 100 mile tall tower fell over on one side, wrapping itself around the planet twice.

_"Then everybody died. The end."_

"Oh shut up!" yelled Luminous as he smashed a loudspeaker to pieces.

* * *

"Where am I?" muttered Evan. He woke up. He was in a dome with a sand floor. Outside was water. Lots of water._  
_

"Ok, everybody calm down. Nobody died." said Phantom, walking around.

Evan got up and looked around.

"Where are Mercedes, Aran, Luminous, Oz, Irena, Hawkeye, Mihile, Vladimir and Eckhart?"

"Except them."

"What!"

"Nah, just messing with ya. They're being brought in by the natives of Aqua Road."

"Yay! By the way, what happened to the amusement park?"

* * *

The Black Mage stared out of the window

"No, go back! Bad sun! Don't crash into us! No! Noooooo!"

* * *

Well, I just wanted to write one more chapter to wrap the story up since I left on a bad note. The story is officially over. Vote for what you want next on my profile!


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